Robin90536's blog

Mom

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I can't begin to count the number of times each day that I have a momentary urge to call my Mom.  It's never over big things, it's things like telling her how cute my new dog is, or about the picture-taking trip Mark and I took, or to try to convince her one more time that she'd really love living in Iowa.  That desire to talk to her is fleeting before I remember that there's no Mom at the other end of the phone.  She's gone and all that's left is silence at the other end.

I was never "tied to her apron strings" but I did depend on her for so much.  She was my confidant and my friend as well as the touchy-feeley, big hugs and chocolate cookie baking Mom.  Of course there were things we didn't share, but we did confide in each other and support each other when things got hard.  Whenever I felt lonely, confused or worried, she was the first person I would call.  When my son's illness seemed overwhelming and I didn't want to get out of bed to deal with another day, calling her would give me the push I needed to persevere. 

I've had lots of "issues" in my life that she seemed to understand more than anyone.  Those feelings of abandonment and the fear of being left that come with being an adoptee were ones that she understood, maybe because of her own tumultuous upbringing.  When I struggled with my erratic emotions,even before I knew I had Bipolar disorder, she was the one who could bring me back to reality.  She was my lifeline when I felt I had no one to turn to.

What I really miss are the long conversations over endless pots of coffee.  I miss sitting on a bench at the mall and leering at the sexy guys.  I miss her bawdy sense of humor. I miss seeing her hold my dad's hand and share a kiss, even after almost 60 years of marriage.  She taught me how to love my spouse and my children in an unconditional way.  She gave me permission to be myself and to not give a damn what anyone else thought of me, how I dressed or what I believed.  She insisted that I stand up for what I believe in, no matter how unpopular my opinion was.  To her, it was perfectly ok for me to march to the beat of a different drummer while she stood on the sidelines and cheered me on.

My friends loved her.  When I was in high school, I would often come home to find one or more friends already sitting at the kitchen table holding a conversation and eating cookies.   Some of the guys I knew had huge crushes on Mom, but how could they help themselves?  She was pretty, funny and and interested in what they had to say.  I was a little jealous of her because she was what I wanted to be.  She had long fingernails and always dressed nicely and even at her most casual, she had a certain elegance about her.

It's a strange feeling.  I know Mom is gone but there's a part of me that can't accept that.  It's a surreal feeling that feels like a terrible dream I keep dreaming.  I want to stop grieving and stop missing her so much.   

 

 

I Might Be Back

I've been away from my blog for so long, I might as well start a new one.  I've been frozen, unable to do much of anything for almost the past year.  No photography, no writing, no garden, half-hearted attempts at cooking.  My whole existence has centered around my parents health and being ready to travel to the East coast at a moment's notice.

Dad died on January 27, 2010.  He had originally been diagnosed with dementia, but the doctor felt later that it was some type of neurological degeneration, perhaps Creutzfeldt Jakob disease. Dad's health declined rapidly for 3 years, until he just wasn't there anymore.  I was blessed to spend his last 24 hours at his bedside.

Mom's health had never been good - heart attack, arthritis, aortic aneurysm, agoraphobia - so when she felt listless and ill after Dad died, I chalked it up to depression.   In early May she got the results of lab work and had her doctor call to tell me that she had Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to her liver.  I went to Virginia to be with her on May 22 and she died on May 24.  Her funeral was 4 months to the day since Dad died.

I can't even begin to describe the grief I feel.  I've lost the two most important people in my life and I feel untethered.  In spite of that, I have some energy and feel like my mind has come out of a fog.  I'd like to try to get my life back. 

Dad Gone

My dad died Wednesday morning at 5:30.  

My Dad

That's my dad - walking me down the aisle at my wedding in April 2007, with my daughter dhen we visited Virginia in June 2008, and the last taken in April 2007.  That's how I always think of him - broad brimmed hat and sunglasses to protect his pale Swedish complexion from the sun.  He's my hero, the person who has always personified unconditional love. He raised us with the concept of Christian Social Justice, of standing for "something", and always being kind. 

I'm going to return to my blog and write more about him because he's had an interesting life that's touched so many people.  He's in the late stages of Alzheimer's and I already miss him.

Every Night!

Who says nothing goes on in a small Iowa town?

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It's Just So Sad

I have to start blogging again.  There's so much going on in my life and I need an outlet to vent. 

Today I'm going to the funeral home with my 19 year old son to attend the wake for his best friend.  He was shot by another friend while hunting. There'll be a room full of grieving teenagers and a distraught family getting ready to bury their only child.  This is so incredibly sad that I can hardly grasp it all and I'm numb. This is the third friend of my son that has died in just over a year - all as a result of guns.  Need I say more?

I'm So Frustrated!!

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Right now with the entire medical, health care, pharmaceutical circus. I feel like a poster child for health care reform!

My saga started a week ago when I developed a minor infection in on of my toes when I cut the toenail a bit too short. It got a little icky looking so I made a visit to my doctor. (Now this is something I usually avoid doing because I don't have any health insurance and as those of you in my boat know, the uninsured always pay a higher fee. The insurance companies negotiate fees with the doctors and the savings are passed on to the insured. The rest of us poor slobs pay a premium price.) 15 minutes later, I walk out of the office holding a prescription for antibiotics, an order for expensive blood tests and owing a nice chunk of change for the appointment. At least the meds were on Walmart's $4 list. (As much as I hate the "Evil Empire", this is a program that's a life saver!)

So I complete the drug regimen only to have an infection crop up in the other foot. This one looked really bad, bad enough to have me worried. I called the doctor again, and knowing my insurance predicament, she didn't insist on seeing me and called another prescription into the pharmacy. She also had me go back for a repeat of the blood test.

Two days later I was beyond worried. The infection and spread to two more toes and it was getting really disgusting looking. It was bad enough that I left work early that day. I knew I needed to have the foot looked at so I made an appointment.

Well, that was today and things got even worse. The blood tests revealed that I have diabetes. I saw the doctor, who took a culture from my toe and commented that she wanted to keep treating this so I wouldn't "lose the toes". That scared the sh*t out of me! I spent an hour with a Nurse Educator who schooled me in how to use a glucose monitor and how to make dietary changes.

So far I've racked up bills for 2 office visits, 2 rounds of antibiotics, 2 blood tests at the hospital. I'm seeing dollar bills just flying out the window! I was given a glucose monitor free of charge but now I have to buy test strips at a dollar a pop...and I'll use 3 a day. That's another $30 bucks a month - almost the price of a tank of gas - that I can't afford. Next week I'll go back in to the doc's office and pay for that too. I'm afraid to add up what that will all cost.

What's the alternative? Don't take care of myself and lose a few toes, maybe my entire foot. If I'm really unlucky, I could die.

I'm resourceful so I know I'll figure out some way to pay for all the supplies and treatment I need. There are Patient Assistance Programs that I may qualify for. I'll pay off the doctor and hospital bills at $10 a month. But I'll keep worrying that a complication will arise that will cost me more fees and I'll sink just a little deeper in debt.

Please check out this link and promise me you'll watch as much as you can. It's long but worth taking the time to open your mind and listen.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33213245/ns/msnbc_tv-countdown_with_keith_olbermann/

Burdens

It's been many months since my last post and even now I'm not particularly moved to put anything in writing.  I'm frozen, and have been, for a long time.  Too may things happening at once, too many concerns that I can do nothing about.  The phrase "weight of the world" seems appropriate.

Some of the changes are just part of life - children graduating from high school or just getting older before my eyes and the adjusting from being all-involved Mom to watching from the sidelines.  It's like getting used to a sudden job change.  It all settles into place but it takes some time.  I know I'll get used to this new phase of my life but I'm feeling at loose ends right now.

The other concerns are more emotional and are the ones that leave me feeling the most helpless.  Both my dad and mother-in-law are suffering from dementa and it's indescribably painful to see their decline because both of them have been the bedrock of our families.  My dad is the worst off.  I'm watching a brilliant, incredibly loving man, one who has been my greatest encourager, lose the ability to speak or interact with us in more than a childlike manner.  This man, who once was so dignified, has lost bowel control and resists taking care of his hygiene.  He'd be appalled if he knew what was going on with him right now.

My mother, who has many of her own serious health conditions, has become my dad's primary caretaker.  She has a CNA come in twice a week to help out, but the strain of the daily care for my dad is causing her health to deteriorate.  Frankly, I don't know which one I hope dies first. 

The greatest concern for me is that I am 1000 miles away and am powerless to do anything constructive to help them.  That is compounded by the fact that my mother, who loves my father deeply, refuses to do anything.  No nursing home or assisted living facility for either of them.  She's going to take care of dad until the end and that's that.  All of the worry falls on me because I'm the only family member capable of handling any of their needs.  My sister is an alcoholic and lives almost as far away, my brother is developmentally disabled (but very high functioning) and lives with them.  I have no cousins and my few aunts and uncles are themselves elderly or ill.  It's just me. 

Mom's inertia puts me in the perilous position of waiting until something dreadful happens.  Then I will have to go into crisis mode - quit my low paying part-time job, leave my husband and children behind, and board the fastest train to Virginia to pick up the pieces.  There'll be a house to sell, furnishings to dispose of, finding my brother a suitable living arrangement, and then forcibly dragging my one remaining parent back to Iowa.  And if it's my mother who is left to deal with, she'll be an emotional wreck.  I just can't wait for that day.  

Quite honestly, I'm angry that my mother's denial will someday soon cause an upheaval in my own life.  In some way, she's become so concerned about keeping her life as it was intact, that she has forgotten that she doesn't live in a vacuum and that her actions will hurt her family.  I don't want this job, I don't want to be the only one who has to handle her mess.  I feel very selfish to say that but it's true.  Just as my life settles into some form of peace, I have this disaster hanging over my head.

Life sucks right now.

QotD: Moving Day

How many times did you move growing up? How did moving (or staying put) impact your childhood?

I've moved enough that I don't really have a "home town". 

I was born in DC and lived w/my parents in Kensington MD for about a year.  My dad worked as a surveyor for the Geological Survey (Dept of the Interior).

He was sent on an assignment to Sullivans Island, SC.  Then back to DC.

Another brief assignment in Bowling Green, OH.  Then back to DC.

Back to SC, this  time to Isle of Palms, SC.

I was getting close to starting kindergarten, so we went back to Silver Spring, MD for a couple of years.

My folks had the opportunity to buy their first home, so we moved to Sterling, VA in 1962. 

Stayed there for a few years and for reasons I don't know, we moved back to Maryland - Beltsville, MD.

In 1968, we relocated again, this time back to Sterling, VA.  First in a townhouse and then a rental house, and finally a home they bought. I lived in that house when I graduated from high school in 1974.

AS AN ADULT -

I got married in 1985 and we bought a house in Hamilton, VA.  

We got wanderlust in 1987 and moved to Phoenix, AZ.

After a job layoff, we moved briefly to Martinsburg, WV in 1989.

Leesburg, VA was our next stop, where we lived long enough to produce 2 babies. 

When the boys were 1 year old and 2 weeks old, it was either be laid-off again or move.

In February, 1991, we moved to Seattle, WA.  Actually, we lived in 3 houses, two in Kent, WA and the last one in Auburn WA.

Boeing was nice enough to lay my (ex) husband off and we decided to move back to the DC area.  I stayed in Charlottesville VA with my parents for 11 months.  The younger 2 children were with me and our oldest stayed w/his dad and Grandma in Martinsburg WV.

We finally moved to our own home in Frederick MD in 1995.  After our divorce, I moved with the kids to 2 different townhouses in Frederick.

In 2004, my future husband and I moved with the kids to a house in Brunswick MD.  We stayed there for 2 years when we decided we'd had enough of traffic, high prices, long commutes and grumpy people.

In August of 2006, we made a move to Mark's hometown of Manchester IOWA.  For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I've moved to a place that I can call home.  I can't imagine ever again living on the east coast and will probably spend my last days sitting on my porch, admiring another glorious Iowa sunset.

My Best Buddy

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Buster

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That's my dog, Buster.  Or at least that's the name he came with.  I always call him Buddy-Dog because that's what he is, my buddy.  He's 12 years old and showing his age; poor eyesight, bad hearing, wobbly back legs.  He gets a little confused sometimes, like old people and animals do.  He's definitely my dog, following me everywhere and missing me when I'm gone.  He's not the smartest dog, but he loves me and I love him.

I had him at the vet today for a check up and to get his nails cut.  The vet scared me when he said he could hardly hear Buddy's heartbeat.  He's in congestive heart failure and I know this means he won't be around much longer.  I broke down at the vet's office and sobbed. I'm really sad right now because I can't imagine not having him.

I'll do what I have to do when the time comes because I love him too much to be selfish and let him suffer.  Until then, I'll spoil him rotten and enjoy my time with him.